July 2001

July 4th: Signs are still good and my fingers are crossed. I will be so shocked if it worked the first try. I was hoping for a May baby, thinking it would take a few months to conceive. But it looks like it could be a March baby.

Today we went over to Erik and Deb's apartment for drinks and then out to Korean Barbecue and then finally into Boston to see the fireworks. I had a tough time turning down drinks - everyone wants to know why I'm not drinking. This is going to be very hard. Luckily it's hot enough I just say I am thirsty and beer is not going to cut it. We'll see how long I can use that excuse, or a headache, or taking an antibiotic, etc. until someone catches on.

July 6th (5 weeks): Signs are still good. I am now officially late. Mike, Doug and I had a great relaxing day at the beach, ate lots of seafood - very good day. However I can't stop wondering if this is it. Finally back at home, Mike and Doug go over to Chris's to drop something off for the party tonight and I take the opportunity of some time to myself to take a pregnancy test. Within a matter of seconds, it's positive.

It's positive.

I can't even describe the rush of emotions I felt. Wonder, awe, extreme fear, relief, happiness, joy, even sorrow and guilt that we were so lucky, that we had been so blessed. I also felt bad I had taken the test without Michael around. This was not how it happened in the commercials. But I had to know. We were going to a huge party this evening and I had to know whether I would be drinking or be "sick" tonight. Luckily we went out for Indian food before the party so I used the excuse that something wasn't settling well. I don't think anyone thought anything of it, except perhaps Carrie, who knows me too well.

I told Michael as we were walking home from the party. We were both still a little apprehensive and unsure if the first test was accurate. So we stopped at the 24-hour CVS and bought two more tests. I took another one when we got home. Positive again.

I think we are both in shock and a little in awe that it happened. Though Michael now gets to say "I was right" - he was convinced it would happen the first try, while I was much more skeptical, thinking of all the various things that could go wrong. But we're both very happy, if not a little dumbfounded right now.

July 7th (5w1d): Another night of avoiding and lying to my friends. I know it probably sounds like all we do is go out an d drink and it's not true, it's just been a crazy two weeks with houseguests and lots of parties around the July 4th holiday. Bad timing for a newly pregnant woman who can't drink. This is the most critical time and I am not going to take any chances. So Saturday I decided that Sangria at Tapeo tasted "bad." This was a little far-fetched since 3 other people were drinking it and I *love* sangria, but what can you do... And then I used the, I'm thirsty line later in the night and stuck to tonic. I think I may become a recluse for the next 10 weeks until we are ready to tell everyone about the pregnancy.

Right now I am just so afraid something could go wrong and I just want to wait until things are confirmed and we are past the danger zone before we tell people. Though I am bursting to tell both of our parents and grandparents right now!

July 8th (5w2d): Dragged Michael to Target this morning to buy Pregnancy books. The pickings were slim but I got two of the books that friends had recommended and I spent most of Sunday reading and learning about the miracle going on inside of me. It's amazing - it makes you realize how separate a thing your body really is, I have no conscious knowledge of anything that is going on and besides some cramping I wouldn't know any difference.

July 9th (5w3d): I need an obstetrician. The practice I have been going to at Lahey Clinic is just Gynecology. So, since I don't really know anyone who has used an OB or delivered at the 2 hospitals I am considering, I am at a loss as to how to find a new doctor. Picking one at random from the provider directory seems a bit haphazard. I called the PA I see at Lahey and she gave me a few names to call. I chose a female doctor in Winchester and to deliver at Winchester hospital. I thought that was a good midway point between Michael and my offices as well as our home. Michael already stated he did not want to be driving a laboring woman through Cambridge and Boston traffic to get my to Beth Israel or Brigham and Women's, so Winchester it is!

July 10th (5w4d): Well the OB won't see me until I have a positive blood test. So I went to the lab this morning and had my blood drawn. Results tomorrow after 10:30, stay tuned. Then I can finally schedule and appointment and hopefully an early ultrasound - I think I will feel much better about this pregnancy once I see a heartbeat and know that things are OK, its not eptopic, etc. My fingers are crossed and my prayers are being said.

A fan on the roof at work caught on fire and the smell was horrific in our office today. I was afraid of any toxic smells harming the baby/pregnancy so I went and sat outside for about two hours - I did do some work related reading so it wasn't a total loss but I ma sure my coworkers either think I am nuts or a big wimp. Oh well!

July 11th (5w5d): The test results are in. Positive, as suspected! So that's the good news. The bad news is the doctor won't see me for another 4 weeks. They don't see patients until the 8-10 weeks of pregnancy, because so many miscarriages take place before that. That appointment will just be an exam and a medical history with a nurse practitioner. Then 4 weeks later at 13 weeks I'll see the doctor and hear the heartbeat. We won't get an ultrasound until 18 weeks. I am pretty bummed about that. I really would like to see a heartbeat now to allay some of these fears. So the wait continues.

And for the record since I don't think I've mentioned it yet, our due date is somewhere around March 8-10th! Which I think is pretty cool since my mother's birthday is the 6th and my brother's birthday is the 10th.

I bought the Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy tonight and am already halfway through it and would recommend it to anyone. This is a great book and is helping me keep my perspective.

I am debating when we should tell our parents. We've pretty much decided to wait because it is so early yet, but it's going to be so hard to see my parents this weekend and not tell them! Hopefully the morning sickness will stay away or I will have no choice but to tell them!

July 12th (5w6d): I found out today that my friend Tricia is also pregnant and expecting her baby in early March - days before me! I am so happy for her and her husband Brian and so happy that we will be going through this together! Someone to complain to since Michael is already sick of it!

July 14th-16th (6w1-3d): This weekend we went down to stay with my parents at the cottage they rented on Cape Cod. We had a great time, though the traffic on Saturday made it an almost 3 hour trip! Sunday we just went to the local beach and had a great time. Then we took my parents out Sunday night for their 31st wedding anniversary as well as for my brother Brian's 18th birthday. Monday we went to Nantucket for lots of walking! It was an exhausting but fun weekend. Mom and Dad, I hope you will forgive me for not telling you about the pregnancy this weekend - it was just too soon, I didn't want to go through all the joy in case something (God forbid) goes wrong with the pregnancy. Plus I just felt awful all weekend - tired and cranky and just did not have the energy to be the center of attention. I hope you understand - and I already know exactly how I am going to break the news to you when we are home in September! I can't wait to tell you!!!

July 23rd (7w3d): Tonight is the ultimate test. As much as I hate lying and as bad at it as I am I had to do it. Michael and I aren't telling anyone about the pregnancy yet, and when we do we want to tell our parents first. So, that means at dinner tonight to celebrate Trang's birthday, I can not have a glass of wine and I can not tell my best friends why I am not drinking. I have been dreading this event since I found out I was pregnant. They know me so well they will guess immediately something is up. So I told them I had a bad stomach bug on Sunday and was not fully recovered. This was not a far stretch from the truth, I had spent most of the weekend in bed or on the couch, miserable. Morning sickness seems to be more of an afternoon/evening sickness for me. Most unpleasant. And despite my white lie, Trang asked me twice, very pointedly at dinner if I was pregnant. I said no. Then she said, "You'd tell us right?" What could I say! I was dying to tell them! But Michael made me promise I wouldn't. I never knew the first trimester would be so lonely and involve lying and hiding from my friends. As soon as we tell our families though they will be the first ones to know! So Trang and Pam accept my apologies now for lying!

July 27th (7w6d): Well tomorrow is the 8 week mark. Even though we are still not out of the woods, it feels like a milestone. 5 weeks felt so, just not very pregnant. 8 weeks feels like a number you could tell people. But it will be about 12 weeks before we tell. 4 more weeks, I am hoping they go quickly, I am so anxious something will go wrong. Everything I eat freaks me out. There is so much food you can not eat during pregnancy. Certain types of fish contain Mercury and should be avoided. I read the FDA warning, I felt educated. I went out with my husband to celebrate my pregnancy and I ordered the halibut - it was not on the FDA list. Two weeks later I read an article saying the FDA did not go far enough, a list of 10 more fish not to eat - halibut ranking very high in mercury content. I already suck as a mother. No soft cheese. No feta, no ricotta, no goat cheese. Not thinking, I make stuffed shells for dinner. Two bites into them, I realize my mistake and have to throw them out. No lunch meat. No raw or undercooked meat. At Trang's birthday dinner I order my steak medium well, it comes out mooing in the middle.

Can I pump my own gas? Will the fumes harm the baby? What about my seat belt - is it safe? What would happen in an accident. Heartburn - can I take antacid tablets? The list is endless.... This week we are off to a Porsche event and to tour some Connecticut Valley wineries with friends. Guess I am the designated driver.